We had been married 6 months when I woke in the wee hours of the morning to Andrea having a seizure.  Our first Christmas, and the whole next year were a blur to us.  Not even out of college, and now as newlyweds, we battled her brain cancer together for the next 10 years before she ultimately passed away, headed to Heaven… as my hero.  We didn’t pick the path we were to take, nor did we have any inkling of the outcome, but we both started to “live like we were dying” as the song says.  Life was suddenly precious, and each day really did matter.

We both finished college to start our careers, we lost our first baby, we had our “miracle baby” in Jordan, and then Mackenzie came along.  Andrea never knew there was a Family-ID she helped create by living her life the way she did.  We picked up the cards that life had dealt, and mocked cancer returning as we lived life to its full.  Andrea Rae Brown-Terrill passed away 8-years ago today, but she lives on in those who loved her, in her 2 girls who both look and act like her in ways that make me smile, and in the way the Brown Family intentionally lives their lives each and every day.

Our Family-ID is:   No reserve. No regret. Love God. Live free.

We resolve to live each day fully with no reserve energy when our heads hit the pillow, to have no regrets that we let adventure pass us by.  The point of our existence is to model the love of Christ in our home and in our lifestyle, and in doing so, will live a life of true freedom.  Thank you Andrea for leaving such a vital legacy to every generation of Brown’s who will follow.

We love you and miss you!

Your Family and Friends

Isaiah 43:18-19 reminds us to, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a New Thing!”

To get the most out of the New Thing God has for you and your family this year, decide now to get past the good intentions of resolutions past to focus on the God intentions.  Here are 4 questions to help guarantee you a God year in 2010, which is better than Good any day.

1. What 1-thing do you desire from God?  Gut-check time, be honest with yourself.

2. What 1-thing do I lack in my relationship with God?  Probably known for a long while I needed to do something in this area.

3. What 1-thing do you need to let go?  Pain is part of our human existence, but there is a healing available for the deepest pains we can ever experience.

4. What 1-promise do you need to claim?  Faith is being sure of that which we do not see, so feel free to trust what God is telling you here.

Write the answers to these questions down, and in lieu of resolutions that will likely fail in the first 30 days, stick to these 1-thing reminders throughout the year.  Remember there is only 1-Resolution worth our devotion, Christ doing a “New Thing” in you in 2010 and beyond.

_________________________________________________

Notes from “One Thing” sermon by Craig Groeschel.  You can find this and other messages online at www.LifeChurch.tv

Better than best friends

I have no idea where it went wrong with my own siblings, but I want to do whatever I can to help my own children avoid this strain.  For years now, it has been a punishable offense in our home to treat each other anything less than better than their best friends.  It’s yielded amazing results, outlined below.

We also expect our children to be more excited and interested in what’s happening in the lives of their family than they are in the lives of their friends.  This requires communication, intentionally asking things about each other, and actively listening and interacting, and choosing willfully to spend quality time together, over spending that same time with their friends.

The results are truly amazing, uncommon really.  We’ve learned first hand that where Family Identity is strong, peer pressure is weak.  Our family in our children’s life (14, almost 12, and 1 year old girls) is the brightest star in the night sky, the biggest influence in our children’s lives, by their choice!  In addition to winning in the family relationships, our kids treat each other better than their best friends.  My girls cooperate, they communicate with kindness, they build each other up, they pray together, they believe in each other, they fight for each other, they include each other in their circles, they look for ways to surprise each other, and they do special things for each other from notes to gifts to helping without being asked.

This is the final post in the “What Do You Expect From Your Kids” series.  What are some of the expectations you’ll adopt in your own family?  What are some of the expectations you question?  What are some of the things you expect from your child(ren) that weren’t covered here?

Kids don’t rebel against authority, they rebel against lack of relationship.

Yup R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P is the key to what drives and directs your kids, good and bad.  In fact, I would say there is no more important a factor as to who your child becomes as an adult, than the development and health of the parent(s) to child(ren) relationship.  Are you treating it as such a priority?

One of the intentional steps we’ve done is to have a family night weekly.  We’ve set the expectation for our kids that this is the 1 day a week we say no to absolutely every other activity or offer from others, and say yes to our family.  They know before they ask now, the answer is always “no” to other interests on that day…. At least 1 day a week we eat dinner at the table together, we share stories together, we talk hopes and dreams together, we share struggles together, we laugh and cry together, we serve each other, we build each other up, we pray together, and we believe in each other.  We play games, we read together, we write things down together, we keep each other accountable, and we love each other deeply.  This is just 1 of the ways we make relationship building between parents and children a priority in our family, but there are many other ways.

Most people equate relationships to time, but time only plays a supporting role.  It will always be a combination of quality and quantity.  Can you build relationship watching the new release at the movie theatre, or sitting in the bleachers cheering on your child?  There are all sorts of relationship counterfeits out there.  If you are a parent who keeps score with time only, please re-think that for your child’s sake.

Relationships take effort, consistent and intentional.  As a parent, you take the role of the initiator.  Even though relationships do take two people, the burden of the relationship building rests on your efforts.  The only thing keeping you from building relationships at all, let alone consistently, is Pride.

If I may, let me play the role of coach for you…. You can do it!  Yes, it’s hard, it take effort, but you can do it!  Quit making excuses, or using past failures as a crutch for future failure.  Stop projecting fears of your own strained parent relationship, or rationalizing with cliche’ “kids will be kids” answers.  You want something different, so you are willing to do something different starting now.  You are the only one who can control your own attitude and effort in this process, but you’ve already chosen what that is.  Now get in there, and expect to build a rock-solid, stand-the-test-of-time, amazingly wonderful, most rewarding relationship with your kid(s).

Assessment time: On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being “desperately need” and 5 being “best it could be”, where would you rate your relationship with each child?  What is the 1 intentional thing you could initiate this week, and do consistently to build quality relationship with your child(ren)?

QUALITIES TO HAVE BY AGE 15

Mackenzie Brown

1. God First: Without being told, have a personal Bible reading, memorizing and prayer time.  “Bible before breakfast”.
2. Family: More excited and interested in what’s happening in the lives of your family than you are in the lives of your friends. Treating your brothers and sisters better than your best friend.
3. Development: Embrace how God has created you, and continually develop in your Top 3 areas of strength: Dependability, Discoverer, and Relating.
4. Protect your Heart: In the same way that you would not put anything dirty or rotten into your mouth, do not allow anything dirty or rotten into your mind. Example: what you read, see on internet, what you watch on TV, or what you hear on the radio/music selection.
5. Attitude: Being kind and courteous, even when you are tired, don’t feel good, or just don’t want to.  Attitude is something you can choose each and every day.
6. Effort: Develop a habit of doing a task better this time than the last time, or doing your best every time, now matter how small.  Take initiative and look for ways to help around the house without being told.  Example:  chores, education.
7. Graciousness: Taking “no” for an answer realizing that God has put those in authority over us to protect us from things we cannot see.  Instead of arguing, take your request to God, and pray according to Luke 18:1-8 and Luke 11:1-13 that God will change the hearts of those in authority over you or change your heart to accept the answer.
8. Stand Alone: learn to stand alone, even if “everybody else is doing it”, knowing your family will stand by you. What you do when nobody is looking AND when your parents aren’t looking matters more than what you do in full view of them.
9. Leadership: Model the 9-Character First core values by leading others in Responsibility, Patience, Initiative, Self-Control, Punctuality, Resourcefulness, Discretion, Creativity, and Tolerance.
10. Modesty: Fashionable, God and family honoring dress which brings attention to your countenance and character, not your body.  Realizing that outward beauty is temporal and inward beauty of a meek and quiet spirit is everlasting.
11. Servanthood: Have a servant’s heart. Meek/quiet.
12. Well-Mannered: Be polite and exhibit refined behaviors.
13. Learners Heart: Work comfortably in a business environment, not prideful about what you know, but have the attitude of a learner. Being Right isn’t always best.
14. Excellence Check:  Characterized by being organized, neat, and efficient.  Always looking for a way to do it better, faster, and with good quality.
15. Stewardship: Manage money well — earning, giving, spending, and saving.  Understanding the value of a dollar.

Then we’d have Mackenzie sign and date it accepting the challenge, and both me and my wife would sign as well in partnering with her to achieve these lofty qualities.  I hit on it in Part 1, but if you don’t have relationship built up with your child, there is a good chance they will rebel against these expectations.  Better for you to be intentional in building your relationship for a season before you introduce these qualities.

What do you think about having expectations like these for your child(ren)?  What are you communicating to them by having high expectations like these?

In Part 3, I will unpack the Rebellious Child myth.  In Part 4, we’ll tackle Peer Pressure.  If you’d like to see something else added to this list, twitter me @strongerby1.

In fact, when I look at what the culture of a teenager has become, I think the unintended consequences are proving to be debilitating to the next generation.  Teenagers have more to “do” than ever, they are more disconnected from God and family than ever, yet are more connected to friends they don’t really know, media opinions of the way they should act or dress, living or being tolerant of liberal lifestyles, and consumer target groups, than every generation before them combined.  Our kids are perishing.  They need our intentional leadership Parents!

To combat what has become the new normal, we have instilled a rite of passage.  My middle daughter Mackenzie is just about to turn 12.  In our home, we purpose to make 12 a very special birthday, and celebrate much like the Jewish families do when they bar-mitzvah.  At 12, we have set the bar very high, that she is to put more childish things behind her, and to embrace her new adulthood.

I know many of you think your kids would rebel against such expectations.  Let me help you out, in fact, I have the key to avoiding rebellion.  Kids do not rebel against authority, they rebel against Lack of Relationship. Think about it!  If you have a rebellious child on your hand, check the relational gas tank.

Does your family celebrate a rite of passage ritual?  What have you noticed about the teenage culture?

In Part 2, I will share the 15 qualities we will expect Mackenzie to be working toward by the time she is 15 years old.  In Part 3, I will unpack the Rebellious Child myth.  In Part 4, we’ll tackle Peer Pressure.  If you’d like to see something else added to this list, twitter me @strongerby1.

I think she’s an incredible young lady, full of passion for living, learning, and loving.  She shares her zeal in serving God and others, and believes in herself enough to tackle every challenging situation without even an ounce of fear.  I couldn’t be more proud of her.  Read on for her words on…

MY UPHILL JOURNEY

This summer has been a summer with journeys and memories that will last a lifetime. As I recap all I have done I would like you to share that journey with me no matter how many ups and downs it had. Honestly I was worried that wouldn’t make the money in time. I started to doubt myself and it wasn’t the greatest feeling. When I talked to my friends at the end of the summer, they almost all said they did nothing that summer. When they asked what I did I got to say I got to go on a journey.

I was told earlier this year that trumpets were better than cornets for marching band. They also preferred silver trumpets because they looked more professional. The rest of that month consisted of looking for a trumpet that would work for marching band and concert band. We looked everywhere for them. E-bay, Craig’s List, I mean everywhere. The cheapest one we found was for about $1,500. That wasn’t gonna cut it. So we asked for help from Mr. Smith and Mr. Brooks who were my teachers at the time. Mr. Smith asked around and found a Bach Stradivarius for $800 from one of my previous teachers, Mrs. Burns.

Then May 28^th rolled around. It was the night of the 8^th grade dance. I had a date, kinda. His name was Marquis. He is very short, but his being short didn’t bother me. It was the fact that he was so rude. I said yes without really getting to know him so I didn’t know this at the time. He was also very clingy. It was like we were Velcro and I couldn’t get loose. Anyway that night, my dad dropped me off in my mom’s dress that she wore for college, talk about skinny.

It was strapless and had lots of sequence. I got there but I tried as long as I could to stay away from Marquis and chill with my friends. But as was expected he found me. I kept hanging out with my friends and he kept following me. Then my worst nightmare happened, two words, slow dancing. I obviously didn’t want to dance with him, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. Or let me dance with any other guys. It’s safe to say that it was my least favorite part of the night.

When it was over I migrated away from Marquis and towards Nadya and Grace. I was desperate to get away. I think he got the picture and he stayed away, for a while anyway. But I danced ‘til my dad picked me up with lots of pictures in between. Then the last day of school came around. All we did that day was walk to the church and graduate. It was really sad because I knew I wouldn’t see the majority of my friends for the whole summer. The first week was having fun sleeping in, coming up with ways to earn money and then going to bed late.

Within the first two weeks of summer I contacted Mrs. Burns and asked her whether or not she was willing to sell it or not. She said that she was and since she knew me she would sell it to me for cheap (er). So I went over to her house and looked at it and she said I could keep it for the summer or until I got it paid off. So I took it home. My dad and I went through several plans. But I didn’t execute on the plans we made so it was pretty much just time wasted. About halfway through the summer, I was $300 in. I still had to raise $500 with half of a summer to go. Then my dad gave me the idea of mowing the lawn. He would pay me $20 every time I mowed which was about once a week. Then I could do book reports for $5 a book report.

Things were starting to come together and I was doing 2- 3 book reports a week. I occasionally went up to the capitol and helped my G-ma file up there. I also laminated and got anywhere from $20- $40. One week I was so excited for Friday to come. Guess why? Because I got to see the guy I had liked for a while named Jacob. I was so excited. We were going to go to a fancy dinner so I would look nice. He didn’t go to the 8^thgrade dance so I don’t think he had ever seen me in a dress.

Friday finally came and I was ready about an hour early rushing everyone out the door. We got there I was so anxious to get inside that once I did a huge smile broke across my face when I saw him. He was greeting people at the door and when I got to him he tried to just shake my hand, but when I asked for a hug I got the type of hug that guys give each other. I was not very happy. But we sat down at our table and continued with the night. Once it was over, I went around saying hello to people I knew. My sister had to stick with me while I did. I found Jacob and tried to start a conversation with him. When I did he gave me no chance to he would talk to other people and answer my questions with one or two words acting like he didn’t want to be social. Then about a minute after we got there my sister didn’t make it any better by saying let’s go talk to other people. Basically that was code for, I’m bored with your love life let’s go.

So I was very mad at her, and not having the night I had hoped for, I was sad. The next day was long. I spent all day typing book reports and then I went to church. As usual I went to church to serve in the morning. That week I worked than the next week I worked. Than one week my dad heard about a book called Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. It was an amazing book. I don’t think I have enough ink in my printer to type what the book was about, but I will shorten it for you. It is about two seventeen year olds that change the way of thinking for thousands of teenagers.

They traveled the United States doing conferences and explaining why teenagers deserve enough respect so they can do hard things and prove low expectations wrong. They made up a word called rebelution. It means teenagers rising up against low expectations. They were the youngest people to ever work for the Supreme Court. They had been asking for a chance to rise up against low expectations and the Supreme Court decided to give them a chance at 16. How crazy is that, they were barely able to drive! After their internship at the Supreme Court, they ran a campaign for a governor. They ran it and recruited only teenagers to help them work it. Unfortunately they lost but they spent a 4^th of the money the other people spent on the campaign. They told stories about other teenagers that have also successfully done hard things.

So about two weeks from the beginning of school band camp started. I had raised about $650 and I was excited. Not only about the money but also because I was about to start marching band and not only was I about to start marching band I was about to start high school. I met lots of exciting people my first three days of marching band. I met Leann, Jen, Christian, Jimmy, Collin, Mark, Ariel, two Luke’s, Sarah, Mia, and a lot of other people that I can’t think of right now. They all had their own very different personalities. I had a full first week. We were basically graded on our posture, forwards, backwards, oblique, left, and right marching. Monday we were going to figure out whether or not we were shadows. On Friday, I learned that there was a $175 admission fee plus $35 marching shoes. That was $210 to add to money that I had to raise by September 1^st. So I was under a lot of pressure. I went to work for my Grandma a week before school and she paid me forty dollars plus a $200 bonus because she knew the trouble I was going through to raise this as soon as I could.

I was done raising all of my money less than a week before school started. Also on Monday I figured out that I wasn’t a shadow. I was very happy. I knew I had worked hard and I was excited that they saw the potential in me as a freshman. I did a lot of school shopping and stuff about a week before school. The Monday before school started (school started the same Tuesday.) I gave my $800 to Mrs. Burns, I gave my $35 to Mrs. Feroli and I gave my $175 to my mom because it had to be paid for online. I was done literally with no time to spare before school started. The feeling of that is indescribable. I was so happy because it was the end of the summer and I had finished my main goal. I finished my hard thing in three months. I had a sense of accomplishment. And I was happy not to have all of that money with me anymore because it was tempting to just spend it all. I’m just kidding, kind of. I had finished my uphill journey and I was the only one that did because I was the only one that prepared for it. The Thursday school started, the marching band started at 6:30 a.m. and then we had practice after school ‘til 8p.m. Talk about a long day.

This summer was the most challenging I have ever had. But I know that it was worth it because I will be the only one prepared for hard uphill journeys early in life. It’s like a triathlon you can’t expect to race it and win when you didn’t train for it. You have to run little by little until you’ve reached your goal. It takes preparation and you have to take it day by day.

Jordan Brown (14 years old)

P.S. HIGH SCHOOL IS AMAZINGJ .

Most are familiar with the story of Helen Keller, the first deafblind person to earn a Bachelor of Arts degree, American author, political activist, and lecturer.  Helen was deaf and blind people.  She had an isolation from the world none of us reading this could ever experience or imagine, and what she tells us is worse than all of that, is having no vision – Wow!  Must be pretty important after all.

Think about it: Everybody ends up somewhere, but few end up somewhere on purpose.

My 14-year old daughter Jordan had a vision this summer, to purchase an $800 trumpet before she started marching band this fall.  What she lacked was the planning skills to get her from point A (the dream and $0) to point B ($800 and a Bach Stradivarius by the start of band camp in early mid-August).  Many times the goal or the dream isn’t the problem, it’s forging the steps to connect the dream with the reality.

I liken a vision to a flight plan.  The pilot maps a course from where he is to a destination where he purposes to land, and even calculates the time it will take to get from take-off to touch-down.  Did you know airplanes are off-course 90% of the time compared to the flight path then intended?  Usually they aren’t far off unless they have to loop around a storm or something like that, but they have a vision for where they’re going, so getting back on course is a reaction to the flight path he’s committed to.

Without vision, any road will get you there.

With a little help from dad, it didn’t take long to get Jordan thinking about how she could plot a path from the dream to the destination.  Notice I didn’t plan it for her.  That doesn’t work.  Her dream, her scheme. As she invested in the planning of the dream, she owned it, and it provided all the structure and motivation she needed.  When she found herself off course by a week or two, she kicked it into high gear to catch up and keep herself within reach of the prize.  By the end of summer, Jordan had landed her Bach Stradivarius, on budget and on time.  Her esteem and leadership took huge leaps forward in this summer of doing hard things.  She has continued to thrive with her newfound skills of taking a dream and planning for its realization.  It’s amazing what happens when you expect hard things from your kids and how they respond.  Something I tell my 11 year old daughter Mackenzie, who has a dream to be the first woman to walk on Mars, is to shoot for Jupiter instead, so if she falls short, Mars is still in the picture.

For those of you parents wondering how to get your own child(ren) on a similar trajectory, please realize all it takes is for you to have a vision for your family.  This summer for Jordan was no accident, it was just 1-leg of the flight path I have intentionally destined for each of my girls independently.  I can say that at 14, almost 12, and with a 1 year old girl too, we are on track and on time.

If you would like help creating a Vision for your family, attend or host one of our workshops: www.familyvisionnow.com for more information.

Do you have a vision for your family/child(ren)?  And if you don’t, then who will?  The world?  Their friends?  The media?

The biggest gains in our ability, our strength and endurance, always come as we train ourselves on the uphill.

It is the hardest thing in the world to start training on the uphill, in fact there is not much more in this world that I hate like I hate running uphill… It is painful, it reveals how out of shape I am, and it hurts physically for days after the climb.  BUT, if I’ll stick with training on the uphill, it does get easier, and the results I see and feel are multiplied greatly and very quickly.

This summer Jordan set her goal of raising $800 to pay for a trumpet before the start of marching band as a Freshman at Edmond Memorial – go Bulldogs!  It was an uphill run from the start.  While her friends were sitting by the pool, hanging out at the mall or Frontier City and gliding downhill all summer, she spent her time in training uphill.  Yet, because she trained uphill this summer, Jordan went back to school this fall able to sprint up “the hill” without losing her breath or breaking a sweat, while her friends were sucking wind and cramping up at trying to get back in to the swing of things.

Jordan spent the summer writing book reports to meet her uphill goal… so reading and doing homework in her AP classes is coming to her much easier than her counterparts.  Jordan pushed a mower each week (no propelled drive mowers here) to meet her uphill goal… so when she went to band camp and was required to march in 100 degree weather for 8 hours a day, she was able to do so easily and without complaint.  Jordan spent 6 hour days filing paperwork at the Capitol on numerous occasions this summer to reach her uphill goal… so attending to the details for long periods of time is a piece of cake compared to her summer of training running uphill.

The next post, we’ll share more about what we learned in this summer of running uphill, both from the parents perspective, and then Jordan will be sharing from her perspective what this summer has meant to her.  It might just surprise you!

While most of her friends couldn’t tell you what they did this summer, Jordan had a vision to raise the $800 to pay for an upgraded Trumpet, something she is very passionate about.  Jordan set the goal easily enough, but the hard part came next.  How in the world will I raise $800 this summer when I don’t have a job?

Jordan brainstormed all the ways she could think of to make money, and then she developed a plan for herself.  $800 is overwhelming at 50 cents a chore, so she had to innovate, get creative.  Babysitting and chores were the obvious ways, but she soon did the math to figure out that wouldn’t get her to her goal by the end of summer.  She started asking around for odd jobs, made a commitment to do our yard work weekly, and to make it worse, I went through a transition in philosophy on paying for chores which took away us paying for her normal contribution to our family.  What’s a girl to do!

My philosophical approach to raising children who become leaders and who embrace high expectations, is to pay an allowance only for those things that will advance their own leadership.  We all know readers are leaders.  We started by paying the girls $5 per book report.  It is in the reading where the learning is happening, but it is in the comprehension and the writing where we see the application start to take shape.

In this series of posts on “Running Uphill”, I’ll be sharing with you the things we learning during this summer of Doing Hard Things, including Jordan’s own 1-page report on what she learned this summer.  Stay tuned.